Although I am not entirely without my own ambition, for me Grand Prix dressage is basically, a SPECTATOR SPORT. Historically, during selection years, as far as our top competitors and combinations are concerned, I like many of us, don’t have the opportunity to spectate at shows in Europe. So it seems as though all the action happens MILES away and the spectating is only for officials and like, posh and fancy people and I’m stuck in the rain, in Melbourne, in Winter and I’m like, trudging through the mud and FML and so much MELODRAMAH right now. WINE.
Anyhoodle, very recently, SOMETHING BIG happened and it looks like things are going to be different, because Equestrian Australia is LIT so we are going to have actual, proper, SELECTION EVENTS in STRAYA which is a cause for CELEBRATION and SPECTATING and CHEERING and I’m planning to make like an EVENTER and do all three of the above. In fact, I’m feeling so enthusiastic about the prospect of our top riders battling it out on HOME SOIL that I might have to do a fourth thing and WRITE about our never before seen TRIPLE CROWN OF DRESSAGE!! YESSSSS!!
Allow me to preface said coverage by requesting that readers please bear in mind that I am unlikely to ever obtain press access nor am I likely to be invited into the VET section so I will probably have to sit on the ground and watch from F or E therefore it might be prudent for y’all to just adjust your expectations accordingly.
Okay, back to business. Sometimes, new policies have unintended consequences and it is my strong suspicion, that this particular Equestrian Australia policy might have an unexpected outcome. You see, since no-one will be getting on a plane this coming competition season, and instead everyone will be attending events within STRAYA, I foresee a spike - in the incidence of TRUCK PARTIES. Since it has been my observation, that the FEI like to regulate EVERYTHING from the number of sugars in your coffee to the colour of your underpants, I thought I would help them out by composing the following;
EQUESTRIAN AUSTRALIA CELEBRATIONS BY DISCIPLINE ANNEXE
In conjunction with Section 3 of the Equestrian Australia Fantasy Rules updated in July 2017, Lara Tweedie seeks to provide the following information for clarification of permitted dress codes, signature cocktails and feels according to discipline. This document is not intended to imply approval if a particular dress code, signature cocktail or feel is not listed. For additional celebration queries, please do not hesitate to fill in the query application form (found here). Please do not expect a response.
THREE DAY EVENTING
DRESS CODE: Breeches stained with the sweat of 30 horses and the last championship rug you won at 4* draped around your shoulders like a cape.
SIGNATURE COCKTAIL: Six pack of icy cold Coronas.
FEELS: You are standing at the top of the tail gate of your massive rig watching the sun beginning to set. You are CHILL. The Coronas taste GOOD. Everything is RELAXED, that is until you catch a glimpse of something from the corner of your eye. Over in the warm up you see a damsel in distress and INSTINCT takes over. You spring into action and leap from the top of the tail gate in a single bound, the championship rug you have draped around your shoulders catches the breeze and it flutters and settles on the ground as you leave it in your wake. You are running, but you don’t drop the Corona. The one golden rule of three-day eventing. NEVER DROP THE CORONA. As you’re running, you pass a selector and flash her a wolfish grin, you lose concentration for a moment and as you fix your gaze back on your path you notice a wheelbarrow full of manure. Only one thing to do. You leap frog it. You’re still holding your Corona. You reach the warm up and grab the horse with one hand, still holding your Corona. Because, CORONA.
DRESS CODE: Net-a-Porter. Where does everyone else shop?
SIGNATURE COCKTAIL: A champagne cocktail called ‘Medusa at M’. This cocktail must be served chilled, poured by the light of a full moon into a Rosenthal Versace Medusa Lumiere champagne flute. The cocktail has two ingredients; 120 ml Champagne Krug Clos du Mesnil Blanc de Blancs 1995 and 30ml Tears of Joy Cried by a Swedish Princess.
FEELS: You’ve just smashed your training session and as you dismount your groom is standing holding your Hermes Bivouac poncho. You take off your helmet, remove your ear piece and shake out your mane, taking care not to tangle your luxurious weave. F**k you are glamorous. You throw on the poncho and wait expectantly for help removing your top boots. Time to slip into something more comfortable. Your groom hands you your favourite VETEMENTS + Manolo Blahnik satin thigh boots. You wait for someone to mix you a drink. You look around, it’s been 30 WHOLE SECONDS and you’re starting to feel a little impatient, you begin to tap, tap, tap your Hermes riding crop against your thigh. God you love that riding crop. It so conveniently doubles as a broomstick……..
DRESS CODE: Rum
SIGNATURE COCKTAIL: Rum
That is all.